How to build resilience in children: 8 tips for parents and carers

As parents and carers, we may wonder how to build resilience in children. Do we force our kids to go to soccer training when they don’t want to? Should we make them do their maths homework? Is it best to comfort them when they are hurt or let them recover independently? We face many small decisions as caregivers, and may worry that how we respond will impact our child’s resilience.

Resilience provides the psychological strength and skills to cope with and recover from challenges and hardship. It’s been defined in many ways: the ability to bounce back, the ability to cope, to find purpose in life and engage in meaningful activity, and to respond constructively in the face of challenge, adversity or stress.

How do we best build resilient humans?

Resilience is not one quality that people either have or don’t have. It’s made up of various behaviours and ways of thinking. These can be learned, developed and strengthened throughout life, and our sense of resilience can vary over time.

Here are eight tips for building resilience in your children.

1. Be caring and consistent

Be there for your child regardless of the situation so they feel safe and secure. Provide clarity of what they can rely on: you. This can help them develop strong attachments and a solid sense of belonging. Children who form secure attachments early in life have a greater capacity to form effective relationships later in life, which contributes towards resilience and mental health.

2. Identify and talk about feelings

Encourage your child to talk about how they’re feeling. Help them find words to describe their own and others’ feelings. This helps children understand the emotional world in which they live.

3. Teach techniques for self-regulation

You can teach your child techniques for calming down when they feel stressed, upset, or agitated.

Remain calm yourself and acknowledge your child’s feelings and experiences. Teach skills such as deep breathing and thinking helpful thoughts. It can also help to do something else, such as drawing or jumping on the trampoline.

4. Identify your child’s strengths

Children knowing their learning strengths helps them to make the most of what they do well. If you or your child are facing a challenge, discuss how to use strengths to figure out solutions and build up a problem solving toolbox.

(You might like to check out this free personalised assessment of learning strengths available from clinical psychologist, Andrew Fuller.)

5. Nurture optimism

Optimism is one of the key characteristics of resilient people. It’s a habit of thinking about how we interpret events, and it can be taught.

Model being optimistic by looking for and pointing out the good side to events and experiences. Present setbacks as a natural part of learning that help us to recognise what we don’t know or can’t do yet. Encourage your child to set achievable goals and develop plans to work towards them.

Model and encourage healthy thinking habits such as positive self-talk, self-compassion, and a positive attitude.

6. Foster and maintain close relationships with caring, trusted adults in and outside the family.

As children grow, they increasingly look for affirmation outside of the family unit to work out who they are and where they fit. It can have a powerful positive impact on a child, when an adult identifies something special in them and looks beyond behaviour or a situation to affirm them. These trusted relationships can provide opportunities for your child to develop coping skills.

7. Teach your child that difficult times pass

Sometimes it’s hard for kids to realise life’s lows are temporary. Help your child realise that challenging times are a part of life and that things usually get better. Share how you, people you know, or even famous people have gone through difficult times. Practise how to handle these situations by discussing them, sharing your own stories, and perhaps using role plays.

8. Find purpose

Encourage your child to make meaningful contributions that help others. Encourage engagement in activities they really care about. Volunteering for a local organisation or simply supporting a friend can foster a sense of purpose and self-worth.

How to build resiliene in children: 5 FAQs

1. What is resilience, and why is it important for children?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from challenges, adversity, and setbacks. It’s vital for children as it helps them develop the skills to cope with life’s ups and downs, adapt to change, and face difficulties with confidence.

2. How can I foster resilience in my child?

Fostering resilience in children involves creating a supportive and nurturing environment. Encourage problem-solving, teach emotional regulation, provide opportunities for independence, and emphasise the importance of learning from failures.

3. Are there specific parenting strategies to build resilience in kids?

Yes, there are several effective parenting strategies for building resilience in children. These include promoting a growth mindset, encouraging perseverance, allowing them to make choices and mistakes, and providing a stable and loving home environment.

4. What role does communication play in raising resilient children?

Open and effective communication is crucial in raising resilient children. It helps children express their feelings, seek support, and understand that it’s okay to ask for help when facing challenges. Talking about resilience and sharing personal stories can also be beneficial.

5. How can I support my child without being overprotective?

Supporting your child without being overprotective involves finding a balance. Allow your child to face age-appropriate challenges and setbacks, while providing guidance and reassurance when needed. Encourage them to learn from their experiences and offer a safety net when necessary.