Resolving Conflict Between Friends

Conflict resolution is of particular interest to developmental researchers because it enables children to develop interpersonal and perspective-taking skills¹, acquire principles of fairness and justice², define personal autonomy³, and enhance emotional regulation⁴. Friendships in particular (as opposed to relationships with parents, siblings, or acquaintances, for example) are especially important relationships for conflict resolution development. Unlike family relationships, which have an assurance of long-term continuity, friendships are more susceptible to potential breakdown or permanent fracture.  Also, friends are invested in voluntary relationships, so their resolutions should reflect the desire to maintain rewarding interconnections, which is lacking between acquaintances⁵.

The hallmark of a good friendship is not necessarily a lack of conflict, but rather it is how friends work together to reconcile after an episode of disagreement or tension. Indeed, some researchers argue that conflict resolution skills are among the most critical determinants of friendship quality^6,7. While there is no one ‘right’ way to resolve conflict, there are some strategies that have been identified by researchers as adaptive and more likely to contribute to mutually harmonious reconciliation.

One of the most widely used theories of conflict resolution is based on the ‘Dual Concern’ model^8,9. According to this theory, the particular strategy that a person uses to resolve conflict depends on their level of concern for themselves, versus their level of concern for the other person/s¹⁰. Collaboration, which may involve cooperation, negotiation or compromise, occurs when there is high concern for both oneself and others, and is generally considered the most adaptive form of conflict resolution. A second strategy, accommodation, is where concern for others give precedence to concern for oneself, and may also be adaptive in certain situations. Collaboration and accommodation are classified as solution-orientated strategies¹¹. Less adaptive forms of conflict resolution include controlling strategies (such as coercion and hostility), which reflect a high degree of concern for oneself with low concern for others, and non-confrontational strategies (withdrawal or avoidance), reflecting low concern for both oneself and others¹⁰.

As children get older, their ability to successfully resolve conflicts with friends increases. This is thought to reflect the growing prominence of issues and settings that present opportunities for perspective-taking and consideration of others. Young children tend to resolve conflicts with less adaptive strategies, such as coercion. However, as they mature into adolescents and become better versed at reconciling their friendship disagreements, they more frequently use adaptive strategies such as negotiation⁵. Indeed, adolescents’ friendships offer valuable opportunities for broader social development because of the behaviours and skills they learn when engaging in and resolving conflict episodes with their friends¹².

Studies show that having good conflict resolution skills is associated with various positive outcomes. For adolescents, the resolution strategies they learn and practice in peer relationships are associated with increased friendship quality and long-term friendship maintenance¹³. Over the life course, conflict resolution skills have been linked to marital satisfaction¹⁴ and to workplace success¹⁵. There is also research to indicate that the ability to successfully resolve conflict is related to empathy. Being able to perceive and identify with another’s distress or frustration in a conflict situation can lead to a better understanding of the other person’s position. This may then act to inhibit maladaptive approaches to conflict and instead promote more effective strategies¹⁶. For example, one study found that adolescents who were higher in empathy were more likely to use compromising strategies and discuss issues with friends, and were also less likely to become angry when resolving conflicts with friends¹⁷.

In all friendships, conflict is an inevitable occurrence. However, conflict need not cause lasting damage, and can actually bring friends closer together when they are resolved harmoniously – by engaging in solution-orientated strategies and minimising the use of controlling or non-confrontational strategies.

References:

1. Jones, T. S. (2004). Conflict resolution education: The field, the findings, and the future. Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 22(1-2), 233-267.
2. Ross, H. S., (1996). Negotiating principles of entitlement in sibling property disputes. Developmental Psychology, 32, 90-101.
3. Nucci, L. P., Killen, M., & Smetana, J. G. (1996). Autonomy and the personal: Negotiation and social reciprocity in adult-child social exchanges. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 73, 7-24.
4. Fabes, R., & Eisenberg, N. (1992). Young children’s coping with interpersonal stress. Child Development, 63, 116-128.
5. Laursen, B., Finkelstein, B. D., & Betts, N. T. (2001). A developmental meta-analysis of peer conflict resolution. Developmental Review, 21, 423-449.
6. Crohan, S. E. (1992). Marital happiness and spousal consensus on beliefs about marital conflict: A longitudinal investigation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 9, 89-102.
7. Laursen, B., & Collins, W. A. (1994). Interpersonal conflict during adolescence. Psychological Bulletin, 115, 197-209.
8. Pruitt, D. G. (1982). Negotiation Behavior. New York: Academic Press.
9. Pruitt, D. G., & Carnevale, P. J. (1993). Negotiation in social conflict. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.
10. Thayer, S. M., Updegraff, K. A., & Delgado, M. Y. (2008). Conflict resolution in Mexican American adolescents’ friendships: Links with culture, gender and friendship quality. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 37(7), 783-797.
11. Laursen, B., Finklestein, B. D., & Townsend Betts, N. (2001). A developmental meta-analysis of peer conflict resolution. Developmental Review, 21, 423-449.
12. Youniss, J., & Smoller, J. (1985). Adolescent relations with mothers, fathers, and friends. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
13. Hartup, W. W. (1993). Adolescents and their friends. In B. Laursen (Ed.), New directions for child development: Close friendships in adolescence (pp. 3-22). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass Publishers.
14. Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57, 47-52.
15. Tjosvold, D. (1998). Cooperative and competitive goal approach to conflict: Accomplishments and challenges. Applied Psychology: An International Review, 47, 1363-1375.
16. Chow, C. M., Ruhl, H., & Buhrmester, D. (2013). The mediating role of interpersonal competence between adolescents’ empathy and friendship quality: A dyadic approach. Journal of Adolescence, 36(1), 191-200.
17. de Wied, M., Branje, S. J. T., & Meeus, W. H. J. (2007). Empathy and conflict resolution in friendship relations among adolescents. Aggressive Behavior, 33, 48-55.